queer rites of passage

in june 2025 i traveled to the land of the Ute people, otherwise known as southwest colorado, for a two-week queer rites of passage program through the school of lost borders & wild mountain retreats. i had been eyeing the quest for years & at the end of 2024 time-space aligned for me to commit to attending. this was my thirty-third rotation around the sun & i could feel all the big lessons from the last couple of years swirling through my body; needing reflection, celebration & grief to acknowledge the shifting of my adolescence tides.

the view from wild mountain

arriving on the land felt like stepping onto another planet. myself, plus nine participants & four guides poured out of cars; unloading groceries & gear for the next two weeks. in a new space i tend to be more quiet, observant, curious about my surroundings & the ways that i will fit into them while respecting my needs for rest.

the first day on the land was intended to be a grounding experience; getting a feel of the space, setting up our camps & mingling with our companions over a shared meal. i set up my tent in a quiet section of aspen trees on the east side of the land that held me in a beautiful view of a ridge.

me & the view from my tent

the next four days were filled with story-telling, community, connection, care & grief. each participant shared their reasons for coming & what they hoped to get out of this quest. i learned so much about my companions & guides - i felt alive being in a group of queer people who were as eager to connect with their history as i was.

we learned about the four shields of human nature framework & i felt my connection to the movement from the west to the north; from adolescence to adulthood. experiences of the last five years have helped me grow & change exponentially. in my story-telling time, i shared about the relationships, community & reflections that had propelled me to become the person i am now. i bubbled at the joy i felt from running my own bodycare practice, living by myself & being held by my incredible community.

the next part of the program is a four day solo fast. with the west side of wild mountain bordered by national forest land; each member was able to pick a spot to spend four day & four nights being cradled by the spirits, ancestors & teachings of the land. my chosen space was a small aspen grove at the bottom of a valley, above an estuary that held the few drops of water that fell every so often during the high-desert summers. the area was buzzing with life & creatures of all kinds!

my solo spot

my solo was a time of rest & reflection. i spent the mornings shifting the rocks attached to my tarp to make sure it was tight & watching the abundant life of nature. the afternoons were filled with naps, writing & talking to the ancestors of the land & of my lineage - seeking knowledge & inner wisdom. in the evenings, i visited my buddy spot, the rock pile i shared with two companions as a daily safety check-in site. while the fasting of food left my body more exhausted, the lack of community made the biggest impact on me. my buddy spot was the only time where i came into contact with humanness & each day i was filled with joy seeing the notes, rocks, flowers, tarot cards left by my buddies.

during my solo i played with a harmonica & water coloring. i hadn’t really grown up with either, so playing with both helped me tap into a child-self part that needed to be expressed through art & music. my soul felt connected to the sounds of the harmonica; as if i were sharing my daydreams through the notes. the watercolors gave me the opportunity to fill-in gaps of communication of deep felt neglect, betrayal & abandonment.

the last day of my solo left me feeling weak in every sense of the word. i longed for nourishment of food, friends & physical touch. in this heightened state, i was able to fully dive into a creative practice called a ‘death lodge’. a container i crafted from the nature-space around me to bring what needed to die, to die. the ancestors of the land & of my lineage showed me three relationships in my life that had been holding me back from my transition to adulthood. i wrote each person a letter & painted an accompanying picture to express all that had been held in those complex relationships. i laid in my death lodge, feet in the south & head in the north shaking my rattle & relieving my body of the responsibility of carrying that which no longer served me.

my death lodge with my shaker & journal

on the fifth morning, i slowly packed up my gear & walked towards wild mountain. even tho my pace was slow from the lack of food; my energy was high knowing id be with community soon. i watched a companion cross over the threshold & into the welcoming arms of our loving guides; they cleansed us, held us & fed us as we entered back into the world as new beings.

watching all of my companions return was one of the most emotional moments of my journey. seeing their energy, connection & spirit fill the space was overwhelming; receiving each one of them with long awaited hugs & tears. we soaked in the sun, eating the incredible fruit, soup & eggs that our guides lovingly set out. we were dirty & altered from experience.

once we all arrived, we were given two hours to get ready before heading into town for light grocery shopping & a day at the hot springs. walking through the grocery store felt like being in another universe. my body was beyond its capacity seeing all the people living their lives as if i hadn’t just had an incredibly profound experience! i grabbed a bag of goldfish & got back to the car as soon as possible. the hot springs were a wonderful treat; i could feel my body relaxing & resetting as i floated in the warmth.

the night before my solo

the next four days were spent sharing our revelations on the land. i was filled with deep resonance as each of my companions told their tales & learnings. we cried, laughed, held & witnessed each other’s truths in sacred space.

my story was not filled with the celebrations & delights of adulthood that i thought it would be when i left for my solo. instead, i recounted my connection with the south; with childhood, innocence, summer, water, pleasure, sensitivity, queerness, play & experimentation. i cried hard. i felt such a deep relief in my tears. a profound release in my being. a movement into adulthood that my spirit had been longing for. i told of my death lodge & felt the lightness of my body as the three ghosts of my relationships had been cleansed from me.

i felt such a deep connection with the land & the spirits of the ancestors who tended it. i am eternally grateful to the ancestors & beings of the land for allowing me to spend time there. i am eternally connected with my queer quest companions in the desire to know ourselves deeper. i am absolutely in awe of my guides roo, riziki, yannie & bear for holding & creating precious space for all to exist.

returning from my solo

side quest: kidney stones edition

on the last day of my program we were sitting under the ancestor tree in our final check-in circle when i started to feel a pointed & sharp feeling in my lower back. i supposed it may have been a consequence of the bag of goldfish i had eaten for dinner the night before. i excused myself from the group around 9:45am to use the bathroom & hopefully expel whatever was caught in my body. unfortunately, that did not ease my growing pain. i tried throwing up, laying down, drinking water, but the pain just grew until i couldn’t dismiss it anymore & agreed to be taken to the emergency room.

i was so incredibly grateful to be with another transmasculine person who knew first-aid & the area; giving me amazing care at every step. by the time we got to the hospital the first kidney stone had passed. while i wanted to go back to the program, my companion insisted i get checked out by a doctor just to rule out any emergency needs. i received fluids from a wonderful gay nurse named garrison, which was surprising as we were in rural colorado. after a couple of hours, i was finally released with the conclusion of having passed a kidney stone.

my companion & i stopped to have a meal before starting the hour & a half journey back to the land. i felt in high spirits; i would get back in time to hear the last of the share-outs & be able to share my own. we hit the dirt road with another forty-five minute to go through the back-country when i felt another pain starting in my back. at first i was in complete denial, no way a second one would hit, right?

wearily i told my companion to stop & what my symptoms were. we got out of the car & i walked down the road, reflecting on the options he had given me. i really did not want to go back to the hospital & potentially not return to wild mountain to say goodbye. so instead we drove down to the closest gas station where i took ibprofen, drank water & writhed in pain. about half an hour later, the stone had passed & i felt my spirit return to my body.

it was just past sunset by the time we returned to wild mountain. we drove in to find my companions all dressed in silly onesies around the fire pit. i was so touched to see each one of them safe & comfortable. i took a much needed hot shower & changed into fresh clothes (a scarcity because i had brought too few clothes, but thankfully bear lent me many). my companions joined me in the yurt & by light of the fire place i shared my final thoughts of my quest. i was so tender to be in space-time with these magical beings who had witnessed me for the last two weeks. the glow on their faces & the warmth of their words & bodies were a reminder that our journeys never really begin or end; they just are.